Saturday, August 06, 2005

Getting in trouble

So I was reading a great new-to-me blog today, and in the last entry on the page the author makes a reference to still being worried about getting in trouble even as a full grown independent adult. I connected with this idea right away -- I'm 30 years old and still worry about getting into trouble. I'm married to a wonderful man who doesn't criticize me or say I shouldn't do anything -- and I'm a parent now, so heck, in a few years I'll be the one dishing out the "in trouble." So where does this come from?

I think it's because I grew up in a house where I definitely didn't want to get into trouble -- there was the fact that I had disappointed my parents, which felt terrible. On top of that, my parents' main method of discipline was physical discipline (ranging from mild to extreme, depending more on their mood and frustration level than the level of the offense itself). So I wanted to steer clear of that -- not that it meant that I would steer clear of doing the things that got me into trouble. No, I was focused on avoiding being caught, or if caught, lying well enough to get out of the worst of the punishment.

Here I am at 30, still hiding the things I think other people won't approve of or framing those things in ways that will help me avoid the worst of the disapproval if found out. And people, it's not like I'm talking about anything all that bad, in childhood or now. My worst offense today is an irrational love of cigarettes. I have never smoked around Baby and never smoked while pregnant -- but I do love them and will use any excuse to have them if they are around. I hide this from nearly everyone, and it feels strangely brave to post it here. I'm still worried about getting caught and getting into trouble, though the crushing, heated fear of trouble is itself worse than anything that would happen to me. Where is the trouble going to come from? What is the worst that will happen? It hardly matters, it's this feeling of TROUBLE that pushes down on my chest and makes me tremble.


At 8/06/2005 4:20 PM, Blogger celeste said...

so interesting...I, too, am 30 (well, almost). I'm learning not to worry about being judged for who I am and what I choose to do. I've gotten to the point where I realize that being "in trouble" with other people just means that we have conflicting views. So, I try to question my own actions or beliefs and determine how I really feel about them...are they worth standing up for despite what other people think or am I worried what others will think because my own conscious tells me what I said/did was wrong? Wow...okay, your blog entry was really interesting...sorry I kinda started writing my own post just now rather than just keeping my response short. Thanks :)

At 8/06/2005 7:07 PM, Blogger Laura GF said...

Celeste, you make a good point about conflicting views being the real "getting in trouble" once you're an adult. I guess that could be true when you're young, too. Sometimes I think it can be hard to sit still enough to discern whether something is wrong for my conscience versus being unpopular. I hope I'll get better at being comfortable with being uncomfortable if I believe something is right (or even just okay).

At 8/06/2005 8:12 PM, Blogger Easy said...

Hi. Michele sent me!

Not only do I worry about getting in to trouble, I usually AM in trouble.

At 8/06/2005 10:41 PM, Blogger MommaK said...

Hey Laura,
Thanks for stopping by today. I'm newly 32 and am usualy in some sort of self induced trouble. I guess it never ends...

Hope you have a great weekend:)

At 8/10/2005 7:38 AM, Blogger Rude Cactus said...

I sympathize with you about cigarettes. I started smoking young, gave it up six or seven years ago then started up of and on over the past two. I think with the arrival of Mia, I'm officially done. Plus the Peter Jennings thing really bothered me.


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